I hate that after all these years I still have nightmares about my father.
"Yeah, I wish I’d been, I wish I’d been, a teen, teen idle
Wish I’d been a prom queen, fighting for the title
Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible
Feeling super, super, super! Suicidal"
Teen Idle-Marina and the Diamonds
I recently found out that my piece of shit father lives in the same town as me.
I have absolutely no idea what I would do if I saw him somewhere.
I have this distinct memory from when I was a kid. I grew up in a really big family. Much bigger than your average “big family”. Altogether I had 13 siblings. I don’t remember there ever being less than 7 children in our home at once. That doesn’t include the various emergency foster placements we took in. There were four girls and we were always fighting. I don’t think it was ever anything out of the ordinary. Nothing too severe.
But my father, he treated every argument as if it were severe. After all, children are meant to be seen, not heard.
Anyway, after one such argument he came up with a unique punishment. I can’t even remember what the argument or fight was about but it was apparently bad enough to warrant such a punishment. He decided to sit the entire family down and tell us that the girls had to choose one sister to be put up for adoption. I remember being shocked. I couldn’t believe it. He was actually going to get rid of one of his kids like a pet that misbehaved. He made us four girls go into one of the bedrooms and he locked the door. He said that we couldn’t come out until we came to a decision. As soon as he walked away from that door one of my older sisters and I started arguing about who would leave. I remember, I think I was about 10 at the time, I was trying to make it seem like I was being brave. Like I was doing it for them. But my decision was purely selfish as I’m sure my sister’s was as well. I just wanted the fuck out of there.
Finally, everyone decided that I would be the one to leave. We called out for our parents to let them know that we came to a decision. My mom’s eyes were red and puffy, like she’d been crying. Nothing new, she was always crying.
I remember her exact words, “I can’t believe that you guys could choose.” I honestly don’t think he thought that it would get that far.
He gave me two cardboard boxes and told me to fill them up. That’s all I was allowed to take with me.
After I got done packing my favorite things into those tiny little boxes he made me put them in the truck and he drove out past town. I remember the fields that we drove past. I remember how hot it was. If the radio had been on I’d probably be able to tell you what song was playing. But it was completely silent.
I didn’t cry. I wasn’t even sad until I started thinking about the friends I wouldn’t see anymore. I had no idea where I was going but I knew that it had to be better than where I was. Anywhere would have been better.
My dad’s cell phone rang and he pulled over. He talked for a little and then said “Okay, I will.” Then he looked at me and told me that the family that was going to take me had their own family emergency and couldn’t take me that night. We drove back home. Again, completely silent.
When we got back my dad told everyone what was going on and my mom made us take a photo together with the giant catfish that lived in our pool. I swear I didn’t just make that up. We had a catfish that lived in our pool for a couple of months that summer. The pool didn’t have any chemicals in it and we filled it up just to put that fish in it.
I didn’t want to be in the photo. I was already removing myself from that family. Preparing for a new one. But my mom made me. She said that it would probably be the last photo we had together. She cried while taking it.
After a completely silent dinner my father made us all go in the living room and sit down. He sat in his usual recliner and then made us all bow our heads in prayer. After praying that the devil leave his family alone he finally told us the truth. No one was being put up for adoption. No one was leaving. No one was getting out. It was all a lie. Just like every thing else. My mom looked at him and said “I didn’t know that you were lying.” and then left the room crying again.
I’ve come to realize that she was just as much a victim as we were.
I really fucking hate where I work now. I hate all of the customers, I hate the type of people that come there. They’re all redneck idiots.
Today at work I got to listen to people talk about how Obama was trying to do away with 4 of the 10 commandments and how he should just go back to Kenya where he’s from. They made sure to say again and again “AND IT’S NOT BECAUSE OF HIS RACE”. Then they basically bragged about how they used to beat their kids when they were young because “It wasn’t considered abuse back then”.
There’s also this really, really creepy guy that always gets way closer to me than he needs to when he walks past me. I even saw him grab the owners ass once but she just laughed it off. I would have punched him in the fucking face. If he ever touches me I am for sure getting fired because I will not just laugh it off. I will freak the fuck out.
Some other guy asked me if it was okay if he snapped my bra strap because my shirt had fallen off my shoulder. I just said “Sorry.” and pulled up my shirt. Then he said in a really creepy voice, “It don’t bother me none.” it.don’t.bother.me.NONE. The intelligence of these bar patrons is shockingly low. I’m beginning to absolutely loathe the regulars. I just gave him a blank fucking stare and walked away.
Then we had some frat guy type and his little blonde girlfriend come in and they were way out of place. I don’t think they were even from around here, we get some townies sometimes over summer holidays because of all the lakes we have. They were probably from Chicago, that’s where they’re usually from. Anyway, he was really loud and obnoxious and complained because we didn’t have Red Stripe beer. Then his girlfriend called someone and they pretended to be at a strip club while he yelled things like “Hey girl, back that ass up.”
I don’t really talk to the customers that much because when I go to a restaurant I just want to eat my fucking food in peace. I hate it when the waiter comes up to us repeatedly asking how our food is and trying to make conversation. But my boss keeps telling me that I need to “open up” and talk to people. It’s not that I’m really all that shy, I just don’t really like talking if there’s nothing to say. I don’t like small talk and I don’t like laughing at people’s stupid jokes.
I’m a bad waitress, I know.
I really only write when I’m depressed or sad and I’m just not right now.
I used to believe that everything happened for a reason and that there was some sort of grand design. I don’t believe that anymore. It’s all just a bunch of random misery and occasionally things collide and then things happen, things are created.
I do believe that there is some sort of domino effect. If one thing happens then another thing has to as well. That’s why I’d never change a single thing in my past because if I did I might not have met Kyle.
Kyle is honestly the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve had a lot of people needlessly share their opinions about our relationship with me and not a single one has ever mattered to me. I don’t care that I’ve never been with anyone else, I am completely satisfied with Kyle. I don’t care if I’m young, I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Someone once told me not to expect him to come riding in on his horse with shiny armor and sweep me off of my feet. Well, he did. I didn’t expect it. I really didn’t. But that’s exactly what he did. I have no idea where I’d be today without him. I’d probably be dead and that’s not an exaggeration. He saved me.
I absolutely love him with every inch and fiber of my being. With my entire heart. I’ve never been more sure of anything. I’ve never doubted for even a second that I love him. I am so glad that I get to spend the rest of my life with him and he is honestly the only thing I need to be happy.